Surround Yourself with People Who Help You Regain Focus and Confidence

Surround yourself with people that have the ability to help you regain your focus and confidence. Sometimes we get overwhelmed – that’s part of being human – and when that happens it’s nice to have a somebody who can be a beacon for you, somebody that helps you get on the right path.

There will be plenty of moments when you don’t believe in yourself. It helps to have people around who do. Sometimes we think we need to shut out the world and figure everything out ourselves when we’re struggling. But it really does help to have somebody there to help you and to have the courage to reach out to those people when you are struggling.

Two Theories of Learning from Josh Waitzkin and Carol Dweck

The following is taken from The Art of Learning by Josh Waitzkin. Waitzkin was the subject of the film Searching for Bobby Fisher.

Developmental psychologists have done extensive research on the effects of a student’s approach on his or her ability to learn and ultimately master material. Dr. Carol Dweck, a leading researcher in the field of developmental psychology, makes the distinction between entity and incremental theories of intelligence. Children who are “entity theorists” – that is, kids who have been influenced by their parents and teachers to think in this manner – are prone to use language like “I am smart at this” and to attribute their success or failure to an ingrained and unalterable level at a certain discipline to be a fixed entity, a thing that cannot evolve. Incremental theorists, who have picked up a different modality of learning – let’s call them learning theorists – are more prone to describe their results with sentences like “I got it because I worked very hard at it” or “I should have tried harder.” A child with a learning theory of intelligence tends to sense that with hard work, difficult material can be grasped – step by step, incrementally, the novice can become the master.

Dweck’s research has shown that when challenged by difficult material, learning theorists are far more likely to rise to the level of the game, while entity theorists are more brittle and prone to quit. Children who associate success with hard work tend to have a “master-oriented response” to challenging situations, while children who see themselves as just plain “smart” or “dumb,” or “good” or “bad” at something, have a “learned helplessness orientation.”

In one wonderfully revealing study, a group of children was interviewed and then each child was noted as having either an entity or learning theory of intelligence. All the children were then given a series of easy math problems, which they all solved correctly. Then, all the children were given some very hard problems to solve – problems that were too difficult for them. It was clear that the learning theorists were excited by the challenge, while the entity theorists were dismayed. Comments would range from “Oh boy, now I’m really gonna have to try hard” to “I’m not smart enough for this.” Everyone got these problems wrong – but evidently the experience of being challenged had very different effects. What is most interesting is the third stage of this experiment: all the children were once again given easy problems to solve. Nearly all of the learning theorists breezed right through the easy material, but the entity theorists had been so dispirited by the inability to solve the hard problems that many of them foundered through the easy stuff. Their self-confidence had been destroyed.

What is compelling about this is that the results have nothing to do with intelligence level. Very smart kids with entity theories tend to be far more brittle when challenged than kids with learning theories who would be considered not quite as sharp. In fact, some of the brightest kids prove to be the most vulnerable to becoming helpless, because they feel the need to live up to and maintain a perfectionist image that is easily and inevitably shattered. As an observer of countless talented young chess players, I can vouch for the accuracy of this point – some of the most gifted players are the worst under pressure, and have the hardest time rebounding from defeat.

How are these theories of intelligence programmed into our minds? Often subtle differences in parental or instructional style can make a huge difference. Entity theorists tend to have been told that they did well when they have succeeded, and that they weren’t any good at something when they have failed. So a kid aces a math test, comes home, and hears “Wow, that’s my boy! As smart as they come!” Then, next week Johnny fails an English test and hears “What’s wrong with you? Can’t you read?” or “Your Mommy never liked reading either – obviously, it’s not your thing.” So the boy figures he’s good at math and bad at English, and what’s more, he links success and failure to ingrained ability. Learning theorists, on the other hand, are given feedback that is more process-oriented. After doing well on an English essay, a little girl might be congratulated by her teacher with “Wow, great job Julie! You’re really becoming a wonderful writer! Keep up the good work!” And if she does badly on a math test, her teacher might write “Study a little harder for the next one and you’ll do great! And feel free to ask me questions any time after class, that’s what I’m here for!” So Julie learns to associate effort with success and feels that she can become good at anything with some hard work. She also feels as though she is on a journey of learning, and her teacher is a friendly assistant in her growth. Johnny thinks he’s good at math and bad at English, and he focuses on quick results as opposed to long-term process – but what happens when he does badly on a hard math test down the line? Will he be prepared to learn the right lessons from life’s inevitable challenges? Un fortunately, he may not.

It is clear that parents and teachers have an enormous responsibility in forming the theories of intelligence of their students and children – and it is never too late. It is critical to realize that we can always evolve in our approaches to learning. Studies have shown that in just minutes, kids can be conditioned into having a healthy learning theory for a given situation. In one study, children were given different instructions about what the aim of their task was. Some kids were told that solving certain problems would help them with their schoolwork in the future, and other kids were told that they would be judged based on their results. In other words, half the kids received “mastery-oriented” instructions, and half the kids received “helplessness-producing” instructions. Needless to say, the kids who were temporarily mastery-oriented did much better on the tests.

So how does all this affect us in our day-to-day lives? Fundamentally. The key to pursuing excellence is to embrace an organic, long-term learning process, and not to live in a shell of static, safe mediocrity. Usually, growth comes at the expense of previous comfort or safety. The hermit crab is a colorful example of a creature that lives by this aspect of the growth process (albeit without our psychological baggage). As the crab gets bigger, it needs to find a more spacious shell. So the slow, lumbering creature goes on a quest for a new home. If an appropriate new shell is not found quickly, a terribly delicate moment of truth arises. A soft creature that is used to the protection of built-in armor must now go out into the world, exposed to predators in all its mushy vulnerability. That learning phase in between shells is where our growth can spring from. Someone stuck with an entity theory of intelligence is like an anorexic hermit crab, starving itself so it doesn’t grow to have to find a new shell.

In my experience, successful people shoot for the stars, put their hearts on the line in every battle, and ultimately discover that the lessons learned from the pursuit of excellence mean much more than the immediate trophies and glory. In the long run, painful losses may prove much more valuable than wins – those who are armed with a healthy attitude and are able to draw wisdom from every experience, “good” or “bad,” are the ones who make it down the road. They are also the ones who are happier along the way. Of course the real challenge is to stay in range of this long-term perspective when you are under fire and hurting in the middle of the war. This, maybe our biggest hurdle, is at the core of the art of learning.

The Thing About Confidence Is...

The thing about confidence is this: if you’re ever not feeling it fully, you just have to get good at acting like it. The body will follow the mind, and the mind will follow the body – in good ways and in bad. You need to practice acting like you are 100 percent confident until you are actually, authentically to that point.

The Amateur

The following are notes taken from Steven Pressfield’s book, Turning Pro.

A DEFINITION OF THE AMATEUR

The amateur is young and dumb. He’s innocent, he’s good-hearted, he’s well-intentioned. The amateur is brave. He’s inventive and resourceful. He’s willing to take a chance… The amateur harbors noble aspirations. He has dreams. He seeks liberation and enlightenment. And he’s willing, he hopes, to pay the price… The amateur is not evil or crazy. He’s not deluded. He’s not demented. The amateur is trying to learn.

THE AMATEUR IS TERRIFIED

Fear is the primary color of the amateur’s interior world. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of looking foolish, fear of under-achieving and fear of over-achieving, fear of poverty, fear of loneliness, fear of death… But mostly what we all feel as amateurs is being excluded from the tribe, i.e., the gang, the posse, mother and father, family, nation, race, religion… The amateur fears that if he turns pro and lives out his calling, he will have to live up to who he really is and what he is truly capable of.

THE PROFESSIONAL IS TERRIFIED, TOO

The professional, by the way, is just as terrified as the amateur. In fact the professional may be more terrified because he is more acutely conscious of himself and of his interior universe… The difference lies in the way the professional acts in the face of fear.

THE AMATEUR IS AN EGOTIST

The amateur identifies with his own ego… The amateur is a narcissist. He views the world hierarchically. He continuously rates himself in relation to others, becoming self-inflated if his fortunes rise, and desperately anxious if his star should fall… The amateur sees himself as the hero, not only of his own movie, but of the movies of others. He insists (in his mind, if nowhere else) that others share this view… The amateur competes with others and believes that he cannot rise unless a competitor falls. 

THE AMATEUR LIVES BY THE OPINIONS OF OTHERS

Though the amateur’s identity is seated in his own ego, that ego is so weak that it cannot define itself based on its own self-evaluation. The amateur allows his worth and identity to be defined by others… The amateur craves third-party validation… The amateur is tyrannized by his imagined concept of what is expected of him… He is imprisoned by what he believes he ought to think, how he ought to look, what he ought to do, and who he ought to be.

THE AMATEUR PERMITS FEAR TO STOP HIM FROM ACTING

Paradoxically, the amateur’s self-inflation prevents him from acting. He takes himself and the consequences of his actions so seriously that he paralyzes himself… The amateur fears, above all else, becoming (and being seen and judged as) himself… Becoming himself means being different from others and thus, possibly, violating the expectations of the tribe, without whose acceptance and approval, he believes, he cannot survive… By these means, the amateur remains inauthentic. He remains someone other than who he really is.

THE AMATEUR IS EASILY DISTRACTED

The amateur fears solitude and silence because he needs to avoid, at all costs, the voice inside his head that would point him toward his calling and his destiny. So he seeks distraction… The amateur prizes shallowness and shuns depth. The culture of Twitter and Facebook is paradise for the amateur.

THE AMATEUR SEEKS INSTANT GRATIFICATION

There was a popular bumper sticker a few years ago: Too much ain’t enough… Too much ain’t enough, and too soon is too late… The amateur, the addict and the obsessive all want what they want now. The corollary is that, when they get it, it doesn’t work. The restlessness doesn’t abate, the pain doesn’t go away, the fear comes back as soon as the buzz wears off.

THE AMATEUR IS JEALOUS

Because the amateur is so powerfully identified with himself, he finds it extremely difficult to view the world through the eyes of others. The amateur is often unkind or insensitive to others, but he saves his most exquisite cruelty for himself… The amateur’s fear eclipses his compassion for others and for himself.

THE AMATEUR LACKS COMPASSION FOR HIMSELF

In his heart, the amateur knows he’s hiding. He knows he was meant for better things. He knows he has turned away from his higher nature… If the amateur had empathy for himself, he could look in the mirror and not hate what he sees… Achieving this compassion is the first powerful step toward moving from being an amateur to being a pro.

THE AMATEUR SEEKS PERMISSION

The amateur believes that, before he can act, he must receive permission from some Omnipotent Other – a lover or spouse, a parent, a boss, a figure of authority.

THE AMATEUR LIVES FOR THE FUTURE

The amateur and the addict focus exclusively on the product and the payoff. Their concern is what’s in it for them, and how soon and how cheaply they can get it. 

THE AMATEUR LIVES IN THE PAST

Because the amateur owns nothing of spirit in the present, he either looks forward to a hopeful future or backward to an idyllic past… The payoff of living in the past or the future is you never have to do your work in the present.

THE AMATEUR WILL BE READY TOMORROW

The sure sign of an amateur is he has a million plans and they all start tomorrow.

THE AMATEUR GIVES HIS POWER AWAY TO OTHERS

Have you ever followed a guru or a mentor? I have. I’ve given my power away to lovers and spouses. I’ve sat by the phone. I’ve waited for permission. I’ve turned in work and awaited, trembling, the judgment of others… I’ve given away my power subtly, with a glance that was perceptible to no one. And I’ve given it away overtly and shamelessly, for all the world to see… Exile, failure, and banishment can be good things sometimes, because they force us to act from our own center and not from someone else’s… I applaud your story of how you hit bottom, because at the bottom there’s no one there but yourself.

THE AMATEUR IS ASLEEP

The force that can save the amateur is awareness, particularly self-awareness. But the amateur understands, however dimly, that if he truly achieved this knowledge, he would be compelled to act upon it… To act upon this self-awareness would mean defining himself, i.e., differentiating himself from the tribe and thus making himself vulnerable to rejection, expulsion, and all the other fears that self-definition elicits… Fear of self-definition is what keeps an amateur an amateur and what keeps and addict an addict.